Toilet flushes and girlfriends

Seems like I duly took my own advice and even extended the slowing down to my blogging, which, it’s fair to say, didn’t really require much in the way of brake-application. Could perhaps use a judicious application of the literary accelerator rather than the brake, I’d say. I’ll try and work on that. The time for New Year Intentions is coming round fast, so I’ll add it to the list. Again.

Anyway, my time away from the blogging keyboard has allowed me to spend some much-needed time considering important life questions such as “Do the two buttons on the top of modern toilets actually perform different functions?”

Sometimes they are marked with one dot, and two dots, respectively. Is this a bashful reference to Number Ones and Number Twos? Or a reference to the relative volume of water that is used in the flush? Which, one would think, would be commensurate with the, er, volume of waste, and so could refer to both.

But then sometimes the buttons are different sizes, indeed sometimes the larger button is so much larger that it could only be appropriate for a Number Three (the mind boggles), and then again sometimes the smaller button is encased and enclosed by the larger one, making it unpressable on its own. Unless you are handily carrying a pencil, which I generally wouldn’t, not into a toilet at any rate, for health and safety reasons.

Given the more deliberate, intentional act required to depress the two together, does this activate the Number Two Flush, thereby only using a greater volume of water when strictly necessary? This would make sense in our eco-conscious world.

But then why is it that mostly they continue to flush for as long as you hold them down, regardless of their number of dots, or size, or enclosedness?

I would likely refer to the instruction manual at this point (this point being several years after first encountering the problem, as per the proper manly approach), but I confess I have never seen an instruction manual for a toilet.

Has anyone been taught correct modern-toilet-flushing protocol? Is this something taught at classes on Etiquette? Does anyone have a pdf (even a quick-start guide translated directly from Japanese) they could send me? I would be grateful.

Some months past, I visited a very fine establishment (pub) in Dunning, Perthshire. I cannot recall now the toilet-flushing apparatus they had installed, but I did partake of a very fine pie. When the waiter, mid-plate-clearing, asked me how my meal had been, I remarked that I thought it might have been the finest pie I’d ever eaten.

The waiter, with a sidelong glance at my profile, remarked “Thank you sir. That’s quite the compliment.”

I resolved to lose weight immediately.

Shortly thereafter the Finance Director started her health kick spreadsheet, and the rest is history. It would be indiscreet of me to share exactly how much weight I’ve lost, but suffice to say, were I to parcel up the lost fat in a medium-sized parcel and post it via the Royal Mail, it would cost £22.

In other, unrelated, news, I have been dating the lovely H for several months now. Things are going relatively well (she’s met all of mine, and I’ve met a tiny fraction of hers). Dating me has given her frequent reason to use the rolling-eyes-emoji – I do consider a day wasted if I haven’t provided her at least one opportunity – which I believe she’s grateful for, judging by the enthusiasm with which she’s embraced it.

In yet other news (I really must blog more often), the snowy slopes are calling, indeed they have been calling for 2 years now, but I have finally yielded to their alluring cry. Albeit via the budget-friendly Oak Hall 24-hours-on-a-coach route, which is decidedly less alluring – but – I am convincing myself – fun-filled nonetheless. I shall keep you all posted, possibly on an hourly basis if sleep fails to arrive. H, sadly, is not joining me on this particular adventure, being as yet unpersuaded of the delights of being very cold and falling over a lot at altitude. It’s surely only a matter of time.

Skiing will be happening over New Year – a first for me – but before that there’s a visit to the London branch of the family for Christmas. Where, if memory serves, I once destroyed the modern flush system of their newly-installed toilet with an over-vigorous pressing of the Number Two button. Good times.

Bring back the elevated cistern with the dangling chain, I say.

Have a Merry Christmas y’all.

One thought on “Toilet flushes and girlfriends”

Leave a comment here!